When life…

Standard

…gets hard, I tend to panic.

Not to anyone but myself and Rich.

I start thinking that I need to be doing more.

Currently it is that I need to go to school. I want to learn how to web design, but don’t want to leave my babies to go do it. So online would be the only possible way.

Which is fine, Rich has no problem with me going back to school.

Anytime a big decision happens, I panic. I revert to what I want to do, instead of focusing on what I should do.

I’m *stressed* about Arlo’s surgery.

I’m *stressed* about quitting pumping.

I’m *stressed* about how Teag will react to us being gone for 3+ days. When Arlo was born he was with the inlaws for a few days, when we got home it was rough.
I’m *stressed* about Rich going to school. I want him to succeed, and yet I know we will be a big distraction.
Today, I decided to quit pumping. After 3.5 months of pumping:
  •  2000oz frozen in the freezer
  • 1 round of mastitis and antibiotics
  • countless times of pumping and rocking a screaming baby all because I didn’t plan ahead
  • chapped and bloody nips

I’ve called it quits. I’m battling with myself. I told myself that I would pump for 6 months, that I would be able to pump enough to have 6 months frozen. I haven’t done that.

I waffle between saving my own sanity, and knowing the breastmilk is best.

I go from the extremes of knowing that he will have breastmilk for 6 months, and that I did an amazing job at providing it for him. To thinking that I have failed because I did not give him the same amount of breastmilk that his brother got. I feel like I am putting my own needs before his. I feel like I am being selfish.

I know I am not. I know I have done the best that I could do.

But I still want to cry.

I want to curl up in a ball and weep.

This is undoubtedly the hardest decision I have ever made.

And it hurts.

 

Bye bye pump.

 

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About kaitslife

Wife to an amazing firefighter/emt. Mama to my beautiful boys, Little T and Baby A! Lover of photography, sewing, baking, traveling, blogging, twittering @kaitevans, mama friends, shopping, and maybe exercising...

7 responses »

  1. I know how you feel but you are not a failure. To have exclusively pumped for as long as you have while having a toddler and a newborn is nothing short of extraordinary. I went through the same emotional battle when I quit pumping but once I stopped life got a lot easier and I was so much happier. I knew then I had made the right decision because I could be a happier mom for Damian. Moms sacrifice so much for their babies but as long as you are feeding Arlo you are doing what you’re supposed to. Stay strong for yourself Rich and the little ones!! You can do it!

  2. Dont be so hard on yourself Kait! I know this is easier said than done, and I should talk! But seriously you have done more than most mothers can or did and you should be proud of what you did accomplish! 2000oz are you kidding me!!!!!! Your a Super Hero in my books and lets me honest, what I think is really all that matters! Teehee

    You get to your online schooling, learn to design websites and then we will publicize the heck out of you and make you and your wee little family millionaires! Deal!

    Xoxox
    Taira

  3. Oh you poor thing. We moms are so hard on ourselves when it comes to breastfeeding and pumping. You make whatever decision works for you and the kids and know that the most important thing they get from you is love and attachment, not whether their milk is from a can or a boob.

    –Stopping by from Blogelina’s Class Member Linky List. I’m a fellow classmate. 🙂

    Oh yeah and I know what you mean about the fear and anxiety, I always hate the unknowns and fear things changing, I tend to envision the worst case scenario. Maybe if you and I found a therapist he’d give us a 2 for the price of 1 deal? lol ((hugs))

  4. Pingback: Post Surgery. « Kait's Life

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