a heavy heart.


Before you freak out, nothing is (aside from the cleft issues) is terribly wrong.

When I had Little T, the first thing we did was nurse.

We continued for 13 months. It was our time.

When things were getting a wee bit heck-tick or I just needed a break from everyone,

we would slip into another room and just cuddle and nurse.

It was our time.

Today I was told (in a very kind, motherly voice) that it is near impossible to nurse a baby with a cleft palate.

A cleft lipped baby can still possibly, depends on the size of the cleft) form a latch and be able to nurse.

A cleft lip and palate (which is what Bubsie has) baby can still possibly latch, but because of the hole (thats what a cleft palate is) they wouldn’t be able to get a good suction going.

The way the nurse explained it to us is, “the suction we have is like sucking through a straw, a cleft palate baby has that straw but there is a hole in it. How well do we suck through a straw when there is a hole in it? Lots of work, and little to no reward for it”

That means that I wouldn’t get to nurse Bubsie, and it breaks.my.heart. I will pump like a crazy person (or like a dairy cow…haha) and try my best to make it a year (right now, that seems like such a huge task, and it scares me).

I still 100% agree that “breast is best” and I understand that in some situations it just doesn’t work. But I will do my hardest to make this work.

My heart is heavy today, not because of the cleft but because more than anything I am scared that I will fail at pumping. That because we didn’t nurse, there won’t be as strong of a bond between us as there was/is with Little T and I.

When you see me feeding my baby with a fancy bottle, instead of thinking that I am just a lazy mom who chose not breast feed, just smile and think of a mom who wants more than anything to nurse.

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4 responses »

  1. I just read this and I feel for you. My little one ended up needing a feeding tube to grow so I had to pump if I wanted him to receive breastmilk. I had planned to breastfeed and was heartbroken that I never really got to successfully. I won’t lie and say pumping is super easy, but you can do it if you’ve got a great support and encouragement. I did it for a couple of months and decided for a lot of reason it wasn’t working out for us. If you ever end up “quitting” before a year, don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re a great mom as long as you love your little one. And the bond will still be there!! You just find other ways to get that closeness. Good luck to you!!!

  2. Pingback: Blessed « Kait's Life

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